The call came in at 7:05 last night. A 13 year old boy had completed suicide by shooting himself in the head. When I arrived, I was greeted by the Deputies who were already on scene…..and then, I saw the devastated family sitting in the drive.
I have seen this type of scene too many times. I have witnessed, and caused, the death of others too many times. Insomnia has been a companion for over 25 years now. Stress, from the traumas, which I have attempted to hide/deny/ignore/self-medicate away, is one of the many voices screaming in my head. Social Anxiety clings to me like a second skin, hoping no one will see what is really happening to me and attempt to “rescue” me from what the creature which lurks noisily behind my eyes. Social Anxiety feeds and fuels my Introvertism which makes me want to hide from the world until the screaming stops!
I am exhausted!! I am tired of getting out of bed every morning so I can vomit in the bathroom sink. Usually there is nothing within to vomit out so I am merely retching painfully over the sink. When I look at my face in the mirror, I see the reddened eyes swollen from the effort of trying to expel the shrieking monster between my ears.
Sleep, if you can call it that, is seldom more than a few minutes here and there between nightmares that only seem to become more vivid with the passing of time. The nightmares where I have been unable to move, speak, or even wake up. The nightmares where all I can do is lie there tensed like a rubberband stretched too tightly and sweat profusely. Far too often I have finally been released in the middle of trying to remember the Lord’s Prayer. Concentration is difficult at best and impossible at worst.
Yet, I am the one who has to maintain so that I can be of help to others who are, in the moment, worse off than I. I am expected to have answers for those who have been traumatized. I am the one who gets to hear their stories, all the while being terrified that my story will somehow leak out, so I don’t like talking to people. There are VERY few that I will consider a true friend because I don’t make friends easily. I don’t want others to get too close. I don’t want my demons to infest anyone else.
Yet, what option do I have other than slap on a “Happy Mask” and pretend all is well? There are no employment opportunities for the broken. There are only more horrors and nightmares. There are only more tortures! The most I can to is continue to exist with this nightmare and try not to be put off when others keep me at arm’s length. Honestly, while that stings, it’s for the best.
Forgive me, but I must close this entry as it is time to paint on the “Happy Face” and start another day.