I Wish

PTSD

I wish I could understand why I cannot stop these nightmares that paralyze me and leave me soaked in sweat more exhausted than when I went to bed.  I have come to fear getting sleepy!  I have come to despise going to bed.  I have become terrified of my own thoughts and memories.

The anxiety of the inevitable nightmares, with all the smells, sounds, sights and emotions, have left me a mere shell of my former self.  There are times when I cannot even remember what sort of person I was before.  And I dare to hope that someday, somehow I can find peace.

I cannot unsee the faces.  I cannot unsee the carnage.  I cannot unsee anything.  My mind will not permit the memories to fade, choosing instead to keep them vividly intact and replay them over and over, day or night!  Yet I don’t understand why only certain memories are reserved to be replayed.  Why not the happier times of camaraderie?  Why not the memories of my childhood where I didn’t have a care in the world?  Why the violent and horrific ones?

My own worst enemy is my memory, and, to be honest, these memories knock the wind out of me making functioning in the world (pretending to be okay) more and more difficult.

thousand yard stare

At work this morning, I sat in my car for over an hour just letting the tears flow.  I am exhausted!  I am so very tired.  I was sitting at my desk and had a flashback.  One of my coworkers came by and told me that I had been staring into nowhere for over an hour.  She asked if I was okay and I felt the need to lie and tell her I was just lost in thought, all the while knowing I was trapped in combat again because my mind won’t release me.

Will I ever be normal again?  Am I going insane?  Is there no way to stop this?

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