Having wearied of the constant nightmares and memory flashes during the day, I sought solace with an old friend of many years. I used to drown my dreams in rum, and finally decided that they don’t die so easily, so pursued counseling and medication. That proved to be quite the waste of time in my mind. So I am at a loss as to what to do.
Counseling….my first counselor told me that I need to face my nightmares head on and, in so doing, they would have no more control over me. Well, that was as effective as trying to break a boulder by pissing on it. Then medications were added to the mix. I was already exhausted from lack of restful sleep, so adding the medications made me even more tired and when I did sleep, the meds didn’t allow me to wake up very easily which was SUCH a joy having to relive every event over and over in vivid clarity with the smells and sounds magnified.
The next counselor was a bit better. Encouraged me to write down my memories, which I did, and then write down whatever my mind showed me and whatever I felt. This counselor said by keeping records we should be able to discern a pattern or, at least, some of the triggers. While that SOUNDS like a good plan, it also means I have to, not only keep records, endure these flashbacks and nightmares until something can be figured out, not to mention having to pay this counselor more and more until they decide I have provided enough data. I need some relief!
For lack of a better option, I returned to my original “medicinal” concoction. When I returned to consciousness this morning, I realized what a mistake that was. But it wasn’t my first mistake, and most likely will not be my last. I discovered three empty Kracken Rum bottles, my house looked like a bunker had been thrown together, my pantry was destroyed, I was soaked with sweat, and weak enough I could barely crawl into the shower. I did look in the mirror and the face that looked back appeared skeletal.
I am tired. I am tired of going through this over and over. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of the nightmares and flashbacks. I am tired of reliving it over and over. I am tired of being broken. I am tired of not being normal. I am just exhausted!