Numb

numb

I sit in my office with only the glow of the computer monitor illuminating this small slice of the world.  Last night, I was called out to the scene of a suspicious death.  When I arrived, I went through the motions of my occupation and for the next three and a half hours wore the mask of concern.

However, in reality, I felt nothing. I was numb, yet there was a part of me that was also envious of the deceased.  Perhaps “envious” isn’t the correct word to use.  I actually wished I WAS the decedent if for no other reason than to end the life which has become such a string of agonizing events.

For too long, I have felt that every fibre of my being was stretched to the breaking point and then plucked by those who wish ill upon me (me leading the charge there).  Life has become like a weight which crushes my very soul, squeezing the breath from me and destroying any thoughts of happiness.

Yes, I have gone the route of medications, and have taken more combinations than I can remember (which is another issue entirely) however, the only result of these medications was leaving me feeling like a zombie, which is how I feel anyway just going through the motions and being completely numb to it all.  I am tired.  Heart weary.  I keep asking myself “What’s the point?” and receive no answer.  I pray nightly that I would not wake up in the morning, yet my alarm sounds each morning and I get up to go through the motions of “living.”  I am so tired.

6 Replies to “Numb”

  1. We numb ourselves because otherwise what we truly feel would be too much to bear. So we float through life as if on autopilot. So we put on masks when we get up in the morning and walk out the door. So we can forget, temporarily, the fact that we’re tired of living and breathing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Autopilot….merely responding without feeling, without sensing, without caring. The masks are almost to heavy to wear anymore, yet they are put on each morning as if it were part of my clothing.

      Like

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