Talked to a new therapist today, actually found one who both understands my struggles AND takes my insurance. Win for me on two fronts! As this was an evaluation meeting, we had 3 hours to interact instead of the normal 50 minutes (charged as a full hour).
I began by describing my PTSI/PTSD and all that lead to that. I described by depression and anxiety which resulted. I described my introvertism. I explained that I truly no longer cared if I lived or died because the result, to this point, was the same…I merely endure the motions of existence numbly and often roboticly. My new therapist listened intently as I rambled on, every once in a while a note would be scribbled on the notepad. I do admit that the coffee was welcome and delicious. Note to self: Buy A Keurig!
After a bit, we began discussing when I last remembered being actually happy. I confessed that such memories are vague at best, never having felt as though I “fit in” anywhere. Yet I remembered when I was about 7 years old, playing on a play ground at school. I remembered the swings and I was the only one swinging at the time. Then the new kid came up and asked if it would be okay it he could swing too. That was the beginning of a friendship that lasted for more than 2 years until he just disappeared from school. We were friends, I thought. Then again, perhaps not.
My Therapist, I’ll call her Margaret, asked me if I had ever come to grips with my friend suddenly leaving. I told her that I had never gotten closure. And Margaret said the most powerful thing I had ever heard, “There’s no such thing as ‘closure,’ there is only ‘acceptance’ of what cannot be changed.” While that rocked my mind to the core, I began to realize that it was so true.
I cannot control what happens, but I can control my responses to what happens. And for most of my life I was letting my reactions control me!! I’ll admit that all these years of being controlled has left me broken, and I’m still uncertain if I can ever be able to be repaired. But just knowing, has made a difference.
Margaret also recommended writing down my memories, events, feelings, insights, fears, dates, times, weather, situations, etc. Pretty much keep a record of what I am thinking/feeling, when, and what are the circumstances/weather. She told me to also record what I am watching, listening to, reading. All this would help to begin a way of tracking cycles and patterns. Now, some thing was making sense. Medications were not discussed, because her biggest concern was helping me THROUGH this minefield instead of merely numbing my responses when the mines exploded.
All in all, today was a better day than I have had in YEARS!